PAIN

I have no idea how I am doing this.  Honestly, I don't know how I get up and do this everyday.  I know it seems mellow-dramatic, but living in pain is really hard.  You would think if I was a dog or a horse they would have long since put me down.. but here I am .  Still working at it (life) through the pain.  smiling through the agony.  Going through the motions.  If anyone could even fathom the half of it, I would surely get an award.

What am I like?  I am difficult, sometimes whining, sometimes crying.  Usually always grateful (although I don't always show it.)  I am miserable, I am thankful, I cherish things more, I sleep too much.  I often feel misjudged.  I feel alone.

Sometimes I yell at my kids when they do tiny little things wrong.  I get annoyed easily (due to the pain.)  but I see the future in these kids and soak up every little drop of good because they are my only hope.  I tell them how much I love them and I explain how I can't be the mom I want to be for them.  They have to do more things for themselves than some other kids, while the guilt eats away at my guts.

I am angry.  People can't see my pain or need and they carry on as normal without me. (Um hello, can't you see me struggling here?)  Either I keep up or I'm out.   I guess I don't look sick?  I realize they have lives of their own, but I am sad that I don't fit into them anymore.  Perhaps we weren't as close/I wasn't as important to them as I thought I was.  I mourn those losses.  I am bitter sweet.  I am deeply hurt.  I am probably asking too much.

I need help.  I need even more help.  I need more help than I am getting.  I have lost dignity.  I am uncomfortable.  I am aging too fast.  I am anxious and afraid.  I watch the years tick by and I cry for the waste.  I can't keep up.  I miss everyone.  Especially myself.  I miss the sex I used to have.  I miss the clean house I once had.  I miss the job I used to have.  I miss the friends I used to have.  I miss the life I used to have.. but mostly I miss the control I used to have.  Control over the ability to change it all.

Pain is an evil robber.  It steals all the good things in life and leaves a person broken.  It's a persons solitary torment that no will ever understand.  No one can ever feel your pain, and your very struggle is a solo act that puts you in a production that you never wanted to be a part of.  Then suddenly you realize that you are no longer a major player, you are but an extra who is being fazed out.  Your mortality comes crashing down on top of you and you stop making long term plans.  You realize better than anyone how temporary this life is.  You stop caring about the stupid things and see what is really important.  God really gets your attention using pain, he knows how to get the job done.

So, why do I continue everyday?  Because.  I love my kids, I love my husband.  I love life.  I like the smell of snow.  I like the way the water sparkles when the moonlight strikes it.  I like chocolate.  Sex (although less adventurous) still feels good.  When a breeze off the lake catches my hair I still feel exhilarated.   Because I know that God wants me to.  He wants me to get up and write a stupid blog so that other people who hurt will know they aren't alone.  He wants me to pray for people even LESS FORTUNATE than myself, and sadly, there are many.

I will keep getting out of bed in the morning.  Yes, I will whine.  Yes, I will cry sometimes, but I will still hope for better times because hope is a part of faith and I have to hold on to my faith (or maybe faith has a hold on me.)  One way or another I will get through this, and when that last day comes I will probably still not know what it was all about, but I hope I did my best and I hope that it was enough.