Digging it up and dusting it off

I know this blog can't and won't apply to everyone, but I think most of us can find some truth inside.

I find it impossible to live up to my mothers high standards of motherhood.  What she found important doesn't matter much to me.  She never let us leave the house with a dirty face.  I figure "hey, when else can you wear a chili dog on your face and have no one say anything?"  She never let us get dirty.  I figure "why not waltz around Salzburg wearing nothing but a bunch of old drapes?"  My house is usually quite "lived in" and food is sometimes chicken nuggets and a cookie (I swear, not that often) but one thing that I have not let slide is the quality of love that she always extended to us.

My mother loved us.  Plain and simple.  I may not have always liked it, and I definitely didn't always tell her, but she really truly loved us.  No matter what else she did after that- it was usually forgivable.  So she was annoying sometimes.  So she condemned my room once, taping it shut in a grand gesture to "teach me a lesson" about cleanliness.  So she p*ssed me off once when I was 30 something (I mean 29.)  She really really loves us, and that is something I WILL live up to with my kids.  If they do something stupid, if they embarrass me, if they fail a class, if they rob a bank- I will still love them.  This I learned from my mother.  I let this important lesson sink in.

Too many people put conditions on their love, but I ask this: If you can turn it on and off, is it even love in the first place?  What would you call that?  Not love.  But this isn't a lecture about how to be a better mother, it's a crazy lady's blog about her mother having unconditional love for her.

Now, here is where the hard part happens.  How do I extend the courtesy back to her?  I think most of us would admit that our mother's drive us crazy.  They love to judge our lifestyle, they like to guilt trip us into doing things or NOT doing things.  They rate our parenting, our clothes, our spouse and our job.  It's hard to love that woman sometimes!  Sometimes you think about buying her a one way ticket to somewhere without telephones (and toilet paper, just to watch her squirm).. but in the end you gotta love her.  After all, hasn't she done that for you?

Loving doesn't mean that you can't set up boundaries.  Loving doesn't mean you have to let yourself or your kids be abused.  Loving doesn't mean supporting bad behavior.  Loving doesn't always mean liking, but loving means just what it implies- loving, loving and respecting and allowing for dignity.

As with any strained relationship sometimes we have to remind ourselves how it all began.  You were helpless in her arms and she looked down on you, you were completely helpless, naked and alone.  She kept you clean, made sure you were fed, made sure you were safe.  She did the best she could at that moment in her life.  Remember when you thought she could do no wrong?  Remember being 100% loyal to her, and sticking up for her when someone pointed out some sort of flaw?  Where did that feeling go?  As we grew we became less appreciative, more demanding.  We got this sense of "entitlement" that made us forget that there are mothers out there who DIDN'T love their children.   Mothers who left their children in garbage cans or on the side of the road.  We decided somewhere along the line that her love wasn't as important or as valuable as it was when we were helpless.  I think we were wrong, we are on the wrong path.  We are throwing her love away, but not usually before crumpling her up first.

Flash forward. I Picture a world without her.  As a woman I have friends who have already lost their moms.  From what I understand it is a completely different world when you are an orphan.  NO ONE loves you like your mother does except God, and it is a cold world when you can't pick up that phone and hear that soft voice that once soothed your crying.  I don't like to sit and worry about the future, but I do want to remember what is important in this world, and what is important to me is family, and it all began with the person who first taught me what love was.  Like it or not, she ensured for my children that I would know how to love them- unconditionally.

I have decided to look at my mother in a new light.  I have stopped looking at her with the ungrateful eyes of a teenager and started seeing her again from the view on her lap, looking up instead of down.  I try to appreciate her wisdom as she is 20 years older than me (seriously, is that all?  Only 20 years?)  She still drives me nuts, but I try to have patience and give her that unconditional love back.  There are only 2 people on earth who love you like that besides God.  Your mother and perhaps your children.  I will respect her and love her even when it hurts- the way I hope my children will love me when they are grown.

When I hug her I hold her for an extra few seconds and actually stop to feel her cheek against mine.  I remember.  It's still in me.

Next week I'll work on loving my mother in law.  One crazy woman at a time ;)