Death by Utility

     Sometimes you just have to laugh it off.  This is one of those cases, but it's okay to laugh it off with flare :D

   I can not begin to explain the pain and suffering the phone company has brought down upon this house.  My husband has spent more time on the phone with them in the past 2 days then he has with me in the past 2 years.  They have had him yelling, near crying, maniacally laughing and in a near coma several times.  He has talked personally with each and every department  employee in several countries world wide (I think he learned a new language?!)  He has begged, threatened and bartered-  still, the service is horrible.  They have messed up our bill at least twice a month (how does that even happen?)  They have made promises to come fix wires, then forget to put the order in for days in a row, and never show up.   Reception is spotty at best (when there was any at all) and their lack of coordination reflects their lack of commitment to their company.  I shouldn't tell you who it is, but I can say that A company should be Trustworthy & Technically sound, not annoyingly unorganized.

    That being said, what can I do with the negative feelings I have stored up about said company?...  I can fantasize about revenge!   My mind is a place that I can entertain scenarios where my bad feelings have an outlet in order to  heal (but just for the record, these are just FANTASIES, they are in my mind, just for me!...................... oh, and apparently you.)

* May every load of whites that each employee washes will have a red shirt in it.  May all of their underwear be forever pink, and not that cute kind of pink.

*May there be slugs enough for each of them in the Waldorf salad at the next company picnic.

*May there always be toilet paper stuck to their shoe.

*May their tires  slowly lose air.

*May their pendulum clocks always squeak.

*May their children always whine about wanting candy.

*May their paycheck always be late.

*May they get ants.

*May they always have a wild hair sticking out of their nose, no matter how much they trim, tuck or pluck.

* May their fridge always be too cold, their freezer too warm.

*May a neighborhood dog  take a dump on each and every one of their lawns every morning, and may the dead spot on their grass spell out "crappy service."

*Whenever they need a penny at the gas station, may the "take a penny leave a penny" jar be empty.

and finally:

*May their sexual service to their spouses not exceed the Internet service that they provided to me.  May the same goes for their deodorant.

Now, do I feel better?  Maybe a little.  I am no longer angry and had a little laugh.  It's my own personal therapy, and in general is harmless.  In all honestly, I don't harbor any ill will to any of them personally,  and I wish them happiness and joy forever after...but a big "no thank you" to working with them in the future.  A person can only be expected to handle so much!

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PAIN

I have no idea how I am doing this.  Honestly, I don't know how I get up and do this everyday.  I know it seems mellow-dramatic, but living in pain is really hard.  You would think if I was a dog or a horse they would have long since put me down.. but here I am .  Still working at it (life) through the pain.  smiling through the agony.  Going through the motions.  If anyone could even fathom the half of it, I would surely get an award.

What am I like?  I am difficult, sometimes whining, sometimes crying.  Usually always grateful (although I don't always show it.)  I am miserable, I am thankful, I cherish things more, I sleep too much.  I often feel misjudged.  I feel alone.

Sometimes I yell at my kids when they do tiny little things wrong.  I get annoyed easily (due to the pain.)  but I see the future in these kids and soak up every little drop of good because they are my only hope.  I tell them how much I love them and I explain how I can't be the mom I want to be for them.  They have to do more things for themselves than some other kids, while the guilt eats away at my guts.

I am angry.  People can't see my pain or need and they carry on as normal without me. (Um hello, can't you see me struggling here?)  Either I keep up or I'm out.   I guess I don't look sick?  I realize they have lives of their own, but I am sad that I don't fit into them anymore.  Perhaps we weren't as close/I wasn't as important to them as I thought I was.  I mourn those losses.  I am bitter sweet.  I am deeply hurt.  I am probably asking too much.

I need help.  I need even more help.  I need more help than I am getting.  I have lost dignity.  I am uncomfortable.  I am aging too fast.  I am anxious and afraid.  I watch the years tick by and I cry for the waste.  I can't keep up.  I miss everyone.  Especially myself.  I miss the sex I used to have.  I miss the clean house I once had.  I miss the job I used to have.  I miss the friends I used to have.  I miss the life I used to have.. but mostly I miss the control I used to have.  Control over the ability to change it all.

Pain is an evil robber.  It steals all the good things in life and leaves a person broken.  It's a persons solitary torment that no will ever understand.  No one can ever feel your pain, and your very struggle is a solo act that puts you in a production that you never wanted to be a part of.  Then suddenly you realize that you are no longer a major player, you are but an extra who is being fazed out.  Your mortality comes crashing down on top of you and you stop making long term plans.  You realize better than anyone how temporary this life is.  You stop caring about the stupid things and see what is really important.  God really gets your attention using pain, he knows how to get the job done.

So, why do I continue everyday?  Because.  I love my kids, I love my husband.  I love life.  I like the smell of snow.  I like the way the water sparkles when the moonlight strikes it.  I like chocolate.  Sex (although less adventurous) still feels good.  When a breeze off the lake catches my hair I still feel exhilarated.   Because I know that God wants me to.  He wants me to get up and write a stupid blog so that other people who hurt will know they aren't alone.  He wants me to pray for people even LESS FORTUNATE than myself, and sadly, there are many.

I will keep getting out of bed in the morning.  Yes, I will whine.  Yes, I will cry sometimes, but I will still hope for better times because hope is a part of faith and I have to hold on to my faith (or maybe faith has a hold on me.)  One way or another I will get through this, and when that last day comes I will probably still not know what it was all about, but I hope I did my best and I hope that it was enough.

I Didn't Think Losing Could Hurt More- Confessions of a Footballers Mom

He walked off the field.  My son.  His head lowered, he's holding back the tears.  They lost the championship game.

I never knew losing could hurt so much, especially when I wasn't the one who was losing.

Why the pit in my stomach- it's as if I had just been punched!  I thought sports were for fun?  I don't even LIKE football.. but he wanted it so bad, so I wanted it for him.  I cheered and screamed and did my best from the sidelines, but the stars weren't aligned and it hurts more than I thought it could.

God I love that boy.  He can really drive me nuts but I have genuine pride that swells up when I look at him.  Seeing him in his uniform, he is really something special.  Someone special.  I want to get it all for him.  Everything.  The championship, and the world wrapped up in the moon.  Everything he wants.  If he wants to fly- I want that too!  But now the other team is cheering and it eats me up inside.

Of course you brush it off tomorrow and you start the new day off fresh, but how do I sleep tonight?

If I really love him I suppose I have to let him feel his own pain, or else I am robbing him of life experiences.  This is one of many steps to teaching him how to be a man, right?  It's how the real world works.  You don't always get what you want.. but you will have me cheering in the wings!

Then I realize that it isn't the getting him everything he wants that is the "gift."  The gift was the being there to share it all with him, win or lose.

Still, it is painful for me.. but I'll live to be a football mom (or a soccor mom, or a wrestling mom, or...God only knows what next) once more.  I'll walk it off  :D

It's TMI..

And no it's not what you think.
There are too many distractions.  Too much TV.  Too many phones.  The radio, the wii, the gameboy, the streaming of this, the downloading of that.  What are people supposed to do with all this information?  Seriously, I have no idea (but I'm pretty sure it's going to kill me.)
Am I the only one who feels overwhelmed?

I know you were mislead by the title and you were expecting something juicy.. so as a consolation prize I'll tell you my bra size..... *#! BIG!#*

12 ideas to keep nature in your heart all winter long

Being touch with nature is important to me.  I often feel a need to reconnect and dig my heels in.  But in the long Wisconsin winter months I find it harder to do this, I'm sure I'm not alone.  This is a list of  a dozen things, some I have been doing for years and a few I'd like to try.  Feel free to add your own ideas below in my comments section.

12 ideas to keep nature in your heart all winter long

1. Open your windows.  Not sure how fresh air gets fresh, but whatever that entails, I like it.  It brings life back into the home.  It clears out stale, dusty air and replaces it with fresh smelling "nature."  Easy, affordable and healthy.  Even in winter open a window for a few minutes.  The fresh air is refreshing.

2. Hang your clothes out to dry on a clothesline.  Get a clothes rack, that works too.  Let the fresh air into your clean clothes and the smell is AMAZING!  As a kid one of the fondest memories in the summer was Mom announcing that we had "clean sheets tonight."  I'd be freshly bathed and have wet hair and I'd climb into bed and the smell of those fresh sheets lulled me to sleep every time with a smile on my face.  It was like magic!  Perhaps the summer shouldn't have  a monopoly on hanging out clothes.  I remember my mom hanging clothes outside in the winter and when she would take them down they would be all stiff and frozen.  When she brought them in they dried the rest of the way really fast over the back of chairs or doors.  They smelled so good.  I am thinking of trying this with my blankets this winter.  I don't think it's practical to try this for all of my clothes, but blankets and sheets might just pay off in rewards of fresh air and dreamy smells.

3.  Grow something.  Watching something grow from a seed to a plant is miraculous every time.  How does the seed know what to become?  How does it happen so fast?  "It's nature."  I have planted some flowers and veggies in cups and put them on our window sill in Feb. The kids love watching them grow and it gave me the patience I needed while waiting for spring because the promise of spring was growing right in front of me.  The bigger they got, the realization occurred to me that I would soon be planting them in the ground, and it made waiting seem easier.

4.  Walk.  Even in the winter.  Wear the appropriate gear and especially footwear and then go for a walk.  No one likes being cold, but remember when you need it nature is out there.  Keep it short and sweet.  The snow sparkles in the streetlights as you walk.  The sky gets that lavender shade  and is illuminated by the lights of the city.  If your in the country you can see for miles as the moon shines over the seemingly endless snow.  The air has a smell like no other, and now and again you get the smell of a wood stove and for me memories start bouncing in my mind.  Birds fly over head.. it's magical.  Be safe and make sure someone knows you are out there, and be careful not to slip!

5.  Feed the birds.  I hang a bird feeder outside of my window and I love to watch the birds come, especially in winter.  So many varieties come to eat, they are so fun to watch.  I wonder how they can stand to live out there in the frigid air, but it's what they have evolved to do.  It's nature, and I love watching it.

6.  Try a winter sport.  If you have kids, this will be easy.  Take them to the rink.  Take them ice fishing.  Take them cross country skiing.  Sledding is an obvious choice!  Even if you can't participate, watching is fun!  Helps you get in a little fresh air and kills cabin fever.

7.  Go for a drive.  I love doing this.  Sadly, now that gas has gotten expensive it isn't always an option so I I make the most out of my drive to the grocery store or the dentist.  But how I love those Sunday drives!  The sun on the landscape, the trees and the wildlife, and even if it's cold I crack a window so I can smell the fresh air.  It's certainly a luxury for some of us, but it's well worth the gas money for the renewal in your spirit.

8.  Don't forget to breath.  A friend of mine once told me (after I told her I had lost touch with nature) that the best way to regain contact was to sit in a quiet area outside on the ground.  Push all of the air out of our lungs, and then breathe deep.  Continue to breathe deep letting that air become not only all around you, but inside of you.  That air is nature.  That air is inside of you.  It is now a part of you.  You are a part of nature.  YOU ARE NATURE!  We have to remember not to get too far away from nature because we ARE nature.    We just need a quiet place to remind ourselves.

9.  Eat fresh.  Fresh foods are alive.  Canned foods are, well, less than alive.  If you can eat whole fresh foods, nature is in your kitchen and renewing your body.  It's the best for us!  If you feel good physically, you feel good mentally.   This raises our spirits!

10.  If you have a fireplace, light a fire.  On cold nights nothing beats getting cozy!  Since the beginning of time people have been fascinated with watching fire.  It must warm our bodies and our souls.  If you have that luxury, use it, and better yet, share it!  Invite someone to come get cozy with you.  Serve popcorn and hot chocolate.  Yum.  (You know my number, right ;)

11.  Make a snowman.  There is no other time of year where you can shape water into anything you desire! Feel the cold beneath your hands, that is water.  It's been rain and clouds, it's nature!  Get close to it.  Hug nature!

12.  When all else fails and you can't get outside, think about nature.  Watch a good nature movie, read a book about nature.  Listen to nature sounds on your MP3 player.  All in all if we keep our mind focused on the fact that soon the snow will melt and we will once again feel the warm earth beneath our feet, winter wont' seem as long
.

 

Winter doesn't have to make us crazy.  We can stay connected to the earth and each other with a little extra effort.  Open your mind, your heart and your soul up to what winter has to offer.   Here's to a great winter for us all!  Keep your feet dry and make sure to take your vitamin D!      

Holiday exchange for the down and out..

me in Ireland in 1998, possibly again in the future?

Somewhere in Italy some idiot person is complaining about their boring old view of those "stupid vineyards" or the Atlantic.  What he or she has forgotten to appreciate, I am all too eager to take a crack at.  Did you ever think about doing a "home exchange?"  For me I'm thinking it's the only way to go.

If you don't know what I am talking about then you you have never seen the movie The Holiday with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law and Jack Black.  Kate and Cameron (not their movie names) swap houses for Christmas vacation and their lives change dramatically because of it (I'll stop there, I don't want to reveal too much :P)

So although I am not Cameron Diaz, I do from time to time dream of an amazing holiday on limited funds where I can relax and unwind without shelling out half a million dollars for hotels.  Enter "home exchange."  There is this web site that can help you find another person/family in a part of the world you would like to visit, for instance, Italy, and hook you up with their house for a week or two- in exchange for- wait for it- yours.  Amazing, right?    Of course you might want to hide your panties and your good silver (yeah, as if I have good silver) (or good panties for that matter) but mostly you can rest easy knowing that although they are in your house touching your stuff, you are in their house touching their stuff and that is where the mutual respect is supposed to come into play.

So, this is the web site.  http://www.homeexchange.com/ Just punch in what your looking for and who your traveling with, and bingo boingo, your hooked up.  You can choose kids, no kids, pets, no pets, you can choose to share your car or not.  You get to make all the choices.. Location, amenities, smoking or non smoking, (you can even have the other person take care of your pets while your gone), plants or no plants (same for plants).  I am sure people talk online and decide if the other family is the type of family they are comfortable with etc. first.  Why didn't people think of this sooner? (I love the internet)  I think it is an amazing idea!

 One problem..   all of these people have MANSIONS.  (So even the rich need cheap vacations?  It really is a recession!)  Look at some of these places.  MY GOD!  Some come with SERVANTS!  Look at this: http://www.homeexchange.com/show.php?id=99133  My house is far from a mansion.  Somebody would walk in the door and laugh and say "I got the short end of the stick."    But still, it is still a fun goal to get your house all fixed up for an exchange.  It is a better investment than a vacation the old way because when you come back, you still get to enjoy your investment.

Imagine me on the beach, all for the price of a plane ticket and food I can prepare in "my own" kitchen.  I think I have to do more research on this subject, but it's definitely in the back of my mind for future exploration.  I'll let you know when I find someone who wants to exchange for this.. it might be awhile:

view from my front door, yes that is my rocking baby blue Ford Taurus wagon you'll be trading your Mercedes for... what of it?

Digging it up and dusting it off

I know this blog can't and won't apply to everyone, but I think most of us can find some truth inside.

I find it impossible to live up to my mothers high standards of motherhood.  What she found important doesn't matter much to me.  She never let us leave the house with a dirty face.  I figure "hey, when else can you wear a chili dog on your face and have no one say anything?"  She never let us get dirty.  I figure "why not waltz around Salzburg wearing nothing but a bunch of old drapes?"  My house is usually quite "lived in" and food is sometimes chicken nuggets and a cookie (I swear, not that often) but one thing that I have not let slide is the quality of love that she always extended to us.

My mother loved us.  Plain and simple.  I may not have always liked it, and I definitely didn't always tell her, but she really truly loved us.  No matter what else she did after that- it was usually forgivable.  So she was annoying sometimes.  So she condemned my room once, taping it shut in a grand gesture to "teach me a lesson" about cleanliness.  So she p*ssed me off once when I was 30 something (I mean 29.)  She really really loves us, and that is something I WILL live up to with my kids.  If they do something stupid, if they embarrass me, if they fail a class, if they rob a bank- I will still love them.  This I learned from my mother.  I let this important lesson sink in.

Too many people put conditions on their love, but I ask this: If you can turn it on and off, is it even love in the first place?  What would you call that?  Not love.  But this isn't a lecture about how to be a better mother, it's a crazy lady's blog about her mother having unconditional love for her.

Now, here is where the hard part happens.  How do I extend the courtesy back to her?  I think most of us would admit that our mother's drive us crazy.  They love to judge our lifestyle, they like to guilt trip us into doing things or NOT doing things.  They rate our parenting, our clothes, our spouse and our job.  It's hard to love that woman sometimes!  Sometimes you think about buying her a one way ticket to somewhere without telephones (and toilet paper, just to watch her squirm).. but in the end you gotta love her.  After all, hasn't she done that for you?

Loving doesn't mean that you can't set up boundaries.  Loving doesn't mean you have to let yourself or your kids be abused.  Loving doesn't mean supporting bad behavior.  Loving doesn't always mean liking, but loving means just what it implies- loving, loving and respecting and allowing for dignity.

As with any strained relationship sometimes we have to remind ourselves how it all began.  You were helpless in her arms and she looked down on you, you were completely helpless, naked and alone.  She kept you clean, made sure you were fed, made sure you were safe.  She did the best she could at that moment in her life.  Remember when you thought she could do no wrong?  Remember being 100% loyal to her, and sticking up for her when someone pointed out some sort of flaw?  Where did that feeling go?  As we grew we became less appreciative, more demanding.  We got this sense of "entitlement" that made us forget that there are mothers out there who DIDN'T love their children.   Mothers who left their children in garbage cans or on the side of the road.  We decided somewhere along the line that her love wasn't as important or as valuable as it was when we were helpless.  I think we were wrong, we are on the wrong path.  We are throwing her love away, but not usually before crumpling her up first.

Flash forward. I Picture a world without her.  As a woman I have friends who have already lost their moms.  From what I understand it is a completely different world when you are an orphan.  NO ONE loves you like your mother does except God, and it is a cold world when you can't pick up that phone and hear that soft voice that once soothed your crying.  I don't like to sit and worry about the future, but I do want to remember what is important in this world, and what is important to me is family, and it all began with the person who first taught me what love was.  Like it or not, she ensured for my children that I would know how to love them- unconditionally.

I have decided to look at my mother in a new light.  I have stopped looking at her with the ungrateful eyes of a teenager and started seeing her again from the view on her lap, looking up instead of down.  I try to appreciate her wisdom as she is 20 years older than me (seriously, is that all?  Only 20 years?)  She still drives me nuts, but I try to have patience and give her that unconditional love back.  There are only 2 people on earth who love you like that besides God.  Your mother and perhaps your children.  I will respect her and love her even when it hurts- the way I hope my children will love me when they are grown.

When I hug her I hold her for an extra few seconds and actually stop to feel her cheek against mine.  I remember.  It's still in me.

Next week I'll work on loving my mother in law.  One crazy woman at a time ;)